Open Letter to Some Idiots at the Bar
The creative juices have finally hit me this morning, and it’s almost not morning already. I usually categorize myself as a morning person. Apparently that’s not true today.
Anyway, I give you: Open Letter to Drunk Bachelor and Bachelor-ette:
Dear Drunk Couple Who Are Getting Married This Weekend, But Not To Each Other,
I really hope you had fun Saturday night, because you probably already regretted your antics on Sunday morning. I am not usually this prudish, but your antics Saturday night at the dueling-piano bar were shocking enough to be disturbing to me. Here’s a good rule of thumb for how you should act at your Bachelor/Bachelorette Party (at least according to me, my husband, and our friends who all witnessed your antics and who all agreed that you should be dumped): Don’t do anything at your bachelor/bachelorette party that would cause your respective soon-to-be-spouses to dump your ass on the spot.
Activities that would fall under this category:
1. Doing a “Blow Job” shot from between the Bachelor’s legs by simulating a blow job for a few seconds first.
2. Sitting on the Bachelor’s lap for half the night/Having a strange woman sit on your lap for half the night (while she’s not getting paid to do so).
3. Rubbing your face between the breasts of the Bachelorette. Multiple times.
4. General groping.
5. Putting a leash around the neck of the Bachelor and leading him around all night.
6. Pulling on the leash to bring in the Bachelor in for a kiss. Multiple times.
And this is just what I witnessed you doing. I tried to ignore you and managed to for most of the night. Sheesh, you would think that most so-called “adults” would know that their soon-to-be spouse would look down on this behavior. Apparently you didn’t get that memo. You just better hope that none of the other people who were there for your parties tell on you, even though you deserve it.
The Appalled Woman at the Next Table (who was unfortunately a witness to the craziness, no matter how hard she tried to ignore you)