I Don't Want To Decide

I don’t like making decisions. Little ones, big ones, it doesn’t matter. I’d rather just follow along and have someone else make decisions for me. I stress out about them all the time; what to have for dinner, what to wear today, even what lipstick to choose. Throw Aaron in the mix, and our least favorite decision-making time is where to go out to dinner. We’ll hem and haw and try to get the other person to make the decision so that we just don’t have to do it. I guess you could say that neither one of us likes to make decisions. We’re just not good at it.

Lately we have to make some big decisions: do we want to stay at our current jobs; do we want to find new jobs; do we want to find new jobs where we live now, or somewhere else; do we want to buy a house; where do we want to buy a house; how much should we save each month; should we buy my car when its lease is up or buy a different car; and finally, the big one: should we have a baby right now, and if not, when? That’s the hardest one of all. We both want a baby, but we’re not sure if the timing is right. Then again, will there ever be a moment when the timing will be right? Will we ever think we have enough money to have a child, which is the biggest “if” right now? It’s just stressful, and neither one of us wants to decide.

I think we just both want someone to tell us that now is the time, so that we don’t have to worry about it, and go back and forth about the pros and cons. I think it just needs to happen without us thinking about it. We’d both be thrilled, albeit still worrying about the finances and all, but then we wouldn’t have to worry about when anymore. And “when” is the question that’s making us the battiest right now.

We were planning on stopping birth control this month, but now we’ve decided to wait just one more month. My friend is getting married next month and I’m the maid of honor, so we figured it would be best not to have to worry about it for one more month, which is fine until the next time it’s time to refill the prescription. Then the stress and worry will start all over again, and then if we put it off one more month, then the cycle continues. I just want to quit worrying about it, which I know will never happen. Once I stop worrying about when, then it will be worry about the baby until the birth, and then there’s the whole thing with worrying about your child…

ARGH! I guess I just need to learn to quit worrying, although, that’s much easier said than done. The worst thing about all this is I have a serious case of baby-brain; I can’t think of anything else, and believe me I’ve tried. I’m already on my third book this week. I guess I really don’t like to make decisions because I worry that I’ve made or will have made the wrong one.

Why do decisions have to be so hard?