When I was in college I was told by a counselor that I was seeing that I have low self-esteem. I thought I had great self-esteem – I thought I loved myself, both inside and out, and I didn’t understand why everybody didn’t love me too. I had real issues with people not liking me and tried everything in my power to get people to like me. Even, to use a slightly Oprah-ish term, giving up my power to others. I would allow people to treat me like crap just because I wanted them to interact with me. It was bad.
It was around this time that I decided to say “Screw it” to most aspects of my life. I dropped out of school for a semester and got out of the environment that was making me miserable and depressed. Almost instantly I was a different person – happier, more relaxed, and generally just better. I started eating again too, and that was important. I actually liked myself enough to take care of myself. Big step.
But I still find myself having problems relating to others. I still want to make everyone happy and still want everyone to like me. My feelings are easily hurt, which is one reason why I think sometimes this whole me-writing-a-blog-thing is a bad idea; my feelings get hurt when I see other see other people get more readers and comments than I do when their blogs are newer. I think I sometimes sacrifice my true self to try to get readers, but then when I really am myself? People respond. But it’s hard to always come up with things that people will relate to. Others seem to come by it naturally, but for me it’s sometimes hard work. I’ve decided I’m going to keep at it, because it’s relaxing and I enjoy it, but I’m going to try to stop letting the number of comments per entry or lack of hits make me upset. Much easier said than done.
What started me thinking about all this? Well, there’s a woman I know fairly well that’s pregnant. She has told a lot of people that we’re mutual friends with, but hasn’t told me. Everybody else knows all the details, but I learn them second hand from them; I haven’t heard anything directly. This was really bothering me, even though I’m not particularly close with this woman, nor do I really like her all that much. So why is it so important to me that I’m included in baby festivities? I don’t know. But I did realize one thing – this means I don’t have to buy a shower gift, and that made me happy. And it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. If she doesn’t worry about me, then I don’t have to worry about her either, and that’s one less thing to worry about, which is always a good thing.
So that’s growth. Right?