Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Growth

When I was in college I was told by a counselor that I was seeing that I have low self-esteem. I thought I had great self-esteem – I thought I loved myself, both inside and out, and I didn’t understand why everybody didn’t love me too. I had real issues with people not liking me and tried everything in my power to get people to like me. Even, to use a slightly Oprah-ish term, giving up my power to others. I would allow people to treat me like crap just because I wanted them to interact with me. It was bad.

It was around this time that I decided to say “Screw it” to most aspects of my life. I dropped out of school for a semester and got out of the environment that was making me miserable and depressed. Almost instantly I was a different person – happier, more relaxed, and generally just better. I started eating again too, and that was important. I actually liked myself enough to take care of myself. Big step.

But I still find myself having problems relating to others. I still want to make everyone happy and still want everyone to like me. My feelings are easily hurt, which is one reason why I think sometimes this whole me-writing-a-blog-thing is a bad idea; my feelings get hurt when I see other see other people get more readers and comments than I do when their blogs are newer. I think I sometimes sacrifice my true self to try to get readers, but then when I really am myself? People respond. But it’s hard to always come up with things that people will relate to. Others seem to come by it naturally, but for me it’s sometimes hard work. I’ve decided I’m going to keep at it, because it’s relaxing and I enjoy it, but I’m going to try to stop letting the number of comments per entry or lack of hits make me upset. Much easier said than done.

What started me thinking about all this? Well, there’s a woman I know fairly well that’s pregnant. She has told a lot of people that we’re mutual friends with, but hasn’t told me. Everybody else knows all the details, but I learn them second hand from them; I haven’t heard anything directly. This was really bothering me, even though I’m not particularly close with this woman, nor do I really like her all that much. So why is it so important to me that I’m included in baby festivities? I don’t know. But I did realize one thing – this means I don’t have to buy a shower gift, and that made me happy. And it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. If she doesn’t worry about me, then I don’t have to worry about her either, and that’s one less thing to worry about, which is always a good thing.

So that’s growth. Right?

8 Comments:

At 8/01/2006 4:25 PM, Blogger BB said...

That's most certainly growth! Good for you for finding a way to view the situation to your liking.

 
At 8/01/2006 5:04 PM, Blogger JustJane said...

Don't sweat the petty things, don't pet the sweaty things. -Dennis Miller

 
At 8/01/2006 5:14 PM, Blogger JustJane said...

Don't worry about the comments or lack there of. Having a blog is for you not all of them out there. Think of how much you can work through just by writing it down and letting it go. That is my draw for writing.

You get some pretty steady readers anyway and I'm sure ten times as many people read this and don't comment but are still get something out of it because, Jess, you are an original and the fact that you put it out there is admirable.

Have you been to my blog? I only get comments lately from some foriegn guy who doesn't write in English. Weird and the rest of my readers don't post cause odds are I offended one of them!....if anything that should make you feel better.

Chin up Mrs Ca.

Sounds like your head is in the right place with Preg Lady too. Not your problem!

 
At 8/01/2006 5:41 PM, Anonymous donna said...

Comments are nice, and I admit to wanting to get more of them as well, but that's not really why I blog, and I suspect it's not why you do it either. And I'm sure you have more lurkers than you know about.

As for the prego lady, yeah, that's one less shower to attend and gift to buy!

 
At 8/02/2006 10:43 AM, Anonymous TB said...

I can really relate to this one, having gone through so many of the same things. I still struggle with remembering to be true to myself first. It's such a hard lesson!

I'm glad you've decided to keep writing. I'd miss you.

 
At 8/02/2006 12:23 PM, Anonymous Crystal said...

That's growth to me!

I hope you continue to write on your blog. I know I hardly comment but I come here every day (weekends excluded) to see what is new with you. And I have to say, it's always interesting. So please keep it up. I will try to comment more! :)

 
At 8/02/2006 1:39 PM, Blogger Sizzle said...

that's SO growth. good for you. :)

and i struggle with this issue too. when it comes to blogging, it's best to not take it personally and really focus on your intent in blogging. if it is relaxing and rewarding to write your feelings out (your TRUE feelings) then go with that. some posts garner more responses than others. it's a crap shoot i tell ya.

just be yourself. :)

 
At 8/03/2006 12:47 PM, Blogger Rude Cactus said...

Definitely growth. I think a lot of your fears and feelings are universal. WE all have them from time to time, if not constantly. It sounds cliche but just be you. People will like you for it.

 

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