Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Something Different

The past few weeks have flown by and I even commented once "It's Friday already?" This week is not the same. It feels like a Thursday, but unfortunately it's not. Dealing with insomnia is definitely not making the week go by any faster either.

It's cold and grey here, and I've been thinking a lot about last winter. Last winter, when I didn't sleep for two months. Last winter, when my ear issues were new and frustrating, and I felt hopeless. Last winter, when I had to take days off of work because I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed, not because I was tired, but simply because I didn't have the will to do so. Last winter, when there were dark thoughts that scared my husband when they finally came to the surface. Last winter, when certain medications started looking like the best option instead of the last resort.

Last March was the hardest month I've ever lived through, and frankly, last April I was surprised that I had. In April I told my husband that he'd better get me pregnant by this time next year so that maybe having something else to concentrate on would keep me out of my yearly winter funk that had been way more than a funk last year.

Well, we aren't pregnant, but we are doing some things that I'm hoping will make this late winter something different than last, because I'm petrified of being that way again. This winter I'm taking a class for work. An online class, but a class all the same, and hopefully a good distraction. We're also going to Florida for a week and a half, the same week and a half that I almost didn't make it through just a year ago. I'm hoping some sunshine and warmth will be the best medicine.

I'm incredibly excited for this trip, mostly because I've never been to Florida, and I'm looking forward to a long break from the daily grind. But I'm also excited because I think it will help get me out of that dark place if I start to go there again. Last year the beginning of the end of the mega-funk was a trip to the beach, albeit a cold beach along the shore of Lake Michigan, but it was a sunny day and I felt a little hopeful again. I haven't felt the funk coming on yet, but the grey days have just begun and I'm scared.


At 1/23/2007 11:46 AM, Anonymous donna said...

I don't mean to make what may seem to be a silly suggestion, but I wonder if it would help. Have you discussed with a doctor getting one of those light boxes? Lots of people have Seasonal Affective Disorder and just need to sit in front of that light for a few minutes every day to ward off the bad things that come with the grey.

It's amazing to me how much we depend on the light for our mental well-being. I know that right after Bridget was born, every day when the sun went down was the time my hormones went nuts and I just started crying uncontrollably for no reason.

I'm sure your trip to Florida will do wonders for you this year!

At 1/23/2007 4:34 PM, Blogger Eau De Incognito said...

Hang in there kid.

At 1/23/2007 9:12 PM, Anonymous Jenny said...

I totally know what you mean. I'm posting about my own dark days tomorrow.

It's amazing what lack of sunlight will do to you. I'm considering a tanning bed at this point.

At 1/23/2007 11:49 PM, Anonymous Mieke said...

Seriously, I think it is winter funk for everyone this time of year. I just blogged about my sadness the last few days, and I don't know why. I think that Florida will be great for you--sometimes just that change of scenery can be great! Have fun and hang in there! :)

At 1/24/2007 9:30 AM, Blogger Kelley said...

There's a link to a great post about depression over on Dooce's blog (in the sidebar). I just read it this morning.

I hear ya; I've been there, too. Good for you for being proactive about trying to prevent it, with the online class and the trip.

At 1/24/2007 12:46 PM, Blogger CPA Mom said...

You just described years of my life. I hear you. You can beat those grey days. You can. I'm here whenever you need a shoulder.

ear issues?

At 1/24/2007 4:45 PM, Anonymous mamatulip said...

I totally get Seasonal Depression. Every year around this time I find myself thinking things are hopeless. It's classic me behaviour and it sucks.

I started seeing a naturopath at the beginning of this year and I can't get over how much different I am feeling. I can't recall right now what I'm taking but it sure is helping.

You're not alone. :)


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