As I still haven't quite recovered from the being horribly busy thing, I wanted to share something with you.
It's this video.
I actually saw a promo for it on the Today show yesterday and then watched it last night, and I have to say I'm completely horrified. The video is supposedly of a bride on her wedding day (the Today show people thought it might be fake, and for the sake of the woman in the video, I sure hope so) who has a bad hair style. So she starts trying to undo the style, and is screaming and crying. Then, even though her friends try to stop her, she starts cutting off her hair. Finally she starts hysterically screaming, asking why they let her do this, and stating that there's no way she could get married like that. She's completely unhinged, and it's painful to watch.
Although I've never been quite that bad, I've had my moments where I've become completely unhinged as well. I've cried and screamed and thrown temper tantrums as an adult, and I am embarrassed about it. I'm sure I'm not the only one and thankfully it hasn't happened in a while, but I'm sure it will happen again.
I have memories from when I was young of my mom completely losing it on us. My siblings and I would be fighting, screaming, or just being completely obnoxious, and she'd just lose it on us. There are scars in the house that remind us of these times; the dent in the counter top from where she repeatedly banged a pot on the counter to try and get us to please, for the love of God, shut up!
When she'd lose it, we'd lose it too. It was scary to see her like that. We'd be sent to our rooms and we'd run there crying and scared and wanting to cling to one another. We'd be scared of her for the rest of the day, tip-toeing around the house once we were finally freed from our rooms, and not doing much of anything so that we wouldn't incur her wrath again.
This is not to say it was a common experience, or that she was abusive in any way; she absolutely wasn't. She's an awesome mom, always has been, but she sometimes couldn't cope for a few minutes. I've seen Aaron after I have had one of my fits, and he's doing the same tip-toe thing, trying to avoid anything that could possibly make me unhappy, but at the same time he doesn't really feel like being close to me either just in case I explode all over again.
We learn a lot from our parents on how to be adults. I try to focus on the positive things they've taught me, and there are many, but sometimes the negatives peek out. As Aaron and I get closer and closer to the decision we're ready to become parents, these things worry me even more. I want to be the best role model I can be, but I know there will be times I can't cope and that there will be times when I might feel like I'm losing my mind. I just hope that I can keep it under control better than I have in the past. I'm just as scared as I am excited at the thought of being a parent.